There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?