Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
two people or more is called a problem
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist