kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Matt Goss
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.