I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.