Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*