alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
That 👊
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
she has a point
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”