My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Wait for it
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.