Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.