Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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This is Sparta
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.