My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.