My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.