My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Lol.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.