Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about