I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
i dont have time for this
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?