My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah