Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Never ghost your hitman.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you