All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[shakes fist at other fist]
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
is this a warning or an offer?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Accurate
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Monday Lisa
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG