That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
What number SPF blocks people?