The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“you recording!?”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.