me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants