Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.