In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
You Might Also Like
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My love language is hissing.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.