Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I thought this was funny lol
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
these two trucks have the same bed length
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.