Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You Might Also Like
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
lmao
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.