Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?