Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?