Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
You Might Also Like
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The little toadstool has spoken.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no