[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.