[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.