Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them