RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.