“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.