[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
forgive me baja for i have blast
who wants to go expliring
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!