Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
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My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
went fishing caught a bass
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away