Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
They must have gotten it to go.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*