I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
everyone’s a critic
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?