“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
You Might Also Like
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad