I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Your honor these allegations are
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
those birds must be on payroll
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Hell yeah 👍