A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.