Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.