People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.