Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball