If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just tested negative for patience.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.