I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.