Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I think they could have phrased this better
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?