bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You Might Also Like
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……