*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”