Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.