[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.