$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You Might Also Like
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Not helping